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[28 Jun 2009|04:40pm] |
hello san diego.
i am back.
but i dont know if i am home.
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[17 May 2009|01:02pm] |
brooklyn.
i love this city so much. that sometimes i think i wouldn't mind living here for more than just four months. but i love home and i love san diego. i love the children here, but i love the people there.
i know what i love,
but i dont know what i want.
at all.
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[22 Mar 2009|01:44pm] |
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the east coast is good. and beautiful. and cold. i am out of the loop of what is going on in life. i am in my own strange world over here yet everything continues on at home without me. much will happen in these four months, and i am apprehensive of the change that will take place that i will not be a part of.it is happening already, and it scares me.
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[18 Feb 2009|10:27pm] |
i have told him that i long to be beautiful
and i am not referring to the beauty that comes
from mac makeup or maybelline products
although there are days when i crave this as well
how can i not, for i am indeed a female
but what i really am trying to get out
when i say these words
is that i long to be made whole
for him to make me new
to have all the peices of who i am
come together, and make something, beautiful
but i am filled with every human insecurity
followed around by thoughts from a past
that on days i wish, as many of you do, did not exist
but as i have been told over and over again
by many women and many men,
beauty, will always lie in my self confidence
but what they do not understand
is that i am accustomed with almost every fatal flaw know to my fellow man
and yet you somehow, in some strang way
which i do not understand
you love past these things
you love me through them
and love me for them
and i am struck with the idea
that there is purpose
and reason
and value
in these shortcomings
value that only you can see
but i trust will one day be revealed to me
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[13 Feb 2009|12:02am] |
feet on the floor,
i am running for the door,
cant take this anymore.
for i am in need of what you cannot bring,
in want of what you have yet to begin to perceive.
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[13 Jan 2009|12:41am] |
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i waste my life on worthless days and worthless nights. and i spend my time with heavy eyes and discontented sighs. and i am watching myself become what i know i should not venture near, oh but it is so hard when there is no one else here. for i am strong, and have foundation, but some days even the best of resolves are not enough for old temptations. yet there is so much i hope to be, to become. so much life has to offer me, because i am free and i am young. and i wish to see myself evolve into all of these things, see myself become what i seem to be in every optimistic dream.
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[08 Jan 2009|07:57pm] |
in the depths of our soul, God reveals himself, could we but realize it.
yet we will not look there for him.
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[01 Jan 2009|08:24pm] |
i wonder why you think that the little things wouldnt hurt my feeling. and i wonder why you think its okay with me to be shut off from your life on certain days, and invited in on others. and i wonder why its been this way for so long, and if it will continue. and i wonder if i can handle it if it does.
i long for a community of my own. to grow. and to be appreciated.
to be loved and included.
and i wonder when it will come.
must i create it, or must i find it.
and i wonder, am i an option, because you are a priority.
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[25 Dec 2008|01:00am] |
i sit here on the ground,
frozen to this spot
empty.
a brain filled with sound,
and a heart full of hurt.
and i begin to wonder when it will ease,
when it will unfreeze.
and i wonder why they never warned me,
never told me that pain comes when your not looking.
when my gaurd is down,
and my emotions sound.
when everything is good,
and everything is starting to feel as it should.
but here in this emptiness
i am screaming inside my head
to frozen now to even make it to my bed.
but i want to tell you
have to tell you
i should tell you,
that even now, you have ever right to love me.
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[10 Dec 2008|12:18pm] |
im going to write a book.scratch that.i'm going to try to write a book.and this is the beginning of it.its crap.but sometimes these are just the things i need to get out.
"I told my friends I was going to write a novel.
They laughed at me.
Well actually Scott was the only one to laugh.Jen just gave me that look. That look she always gives when I start ranting on about my newest endeavor. Jen knows I'll never do it. She's always been a mother in that way. She knows I'll never get around to it. I'll get distracted,sidetracked.I'll lose interest. But it never really matters, because I was the only one to gain an interest in the first place. That's whats so great about these endeavors, it never gives me the chance to let anyone down. Except myself.
But Scott. Scott never lets these things go. Because scott is cruel. And somewhere deep in his heart he has this bitter resentment against me. Although he would never admit it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that when we were five I stole his GI Joe's.
Whatever. Barbie needed a Ken."
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[05 Dec 2008|12:08pm] |
sometimes i sit, and i wonder at my life.at the untapped potential so to speak.and i wonder if maybe life really is about being in the right place, at the right time, meeting that one person who is going to magically open up all the doors in life to me.i feel like i can be so much, so much more than i am now.but what is it thats keeping me back from being more? why am i not that more every day? sometimes i think that maybe if i felt that i was being fulfilled, if i felt that i was serving a purpose, if i could see myself being that more in every situation, in every encounter, well then maybe, just maybe, that hole of loneliness gaping open inside my chest could begin to close. perhaps these two seem unrelated, fulfillment and loneliness. but some days, on days like today, in my mind they are one in the same. i believe i am slowly beginning to discover, that without purpose, i will always feel alone.
i guess what im really trying to say, and what im desperately trying to understand, is that community, fellowship, often coexists with fulfillment. and more than anything these days, i crave community.
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[01 Dec 2008|12:08am] |
and everybody says that i cant be love.i cant be love.
but i want to be love.to be love, for you.
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| thoughts. |
[21 Nov 2008|10:57pm] |
to feel compeletly safe and totally independent at the same time.
thats all i ever wanted out of a relationship.
to say what ever is on my mind, and even if he doesnt like it, even if he doesnt understand it.he respects it.
to be myself.
to have someone like who i am.
not what i can do.or who i could become.or what i can give.
but who i am.to be loved for the person i am now.every fault and imperfection.
thats all i ever wanted out of a relationship.
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[15 Nov 2008|01:42am] |
and this is when my life begins to feel like everything is falling into place.and yet everything is so utterly out of control.and i wonder where it will take me.and if i will be happy, and content.and if i will be loved.
i hope i will be loved.
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[19 Oct 2008|12:08am] |
"Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate"
autumn is here.the holidays are here.the cold weather is on its way.
and im starting to feel extremly alive.
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| monologue 1-september 10th |
[03 Oct 2008|12:05pm] |
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every day is starting to feel the same.stop.sit.stare.wait.wait.move.from place to place...move.slow down.sit.watch.watch and listen.and wait.stand up.sit down.turn left.go right.try to feel.feel.feel.dear God please help me feel.anything.everything.i just want to feel,something.
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[09 Sep 2008|07:48pm] |
i will have poetry in my life. and adventure. and love. love above all. no not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that over-throws life. unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. love - like there has never been in a play.
-Viola, Shakespeare in Love
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[19 Aug 2008|02:53am] |
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new things are happening in my life. its such a refreshing feeling to be hopeful.and i am thankful for it.because for this period in my life im encountering one new beggining after another. and i hold fast to my belief that they will all be good. that these experiances, and these life changes are for the better. for the best.
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